Here's week five. Enjoy!
Are you an Agar.io Bubble?
Last week I said I would approach every day this week intentionally, and I did. I faced a few bumps in the road.
Intentionally figuring out who you are is so difficult to the busy human.
It's like we're all just one of the bubbles from the agar.io game and the experiences we collect over time are the other bubbles we "eat" to grow as a bubble/indivudual.
Some bubbles are bigger than others, aka, some experiences more impactful than others. How do you dissect and figure out "who you are".
It's quite an interesting concept to be honest. As a human, who is told to reflect on your experiences every week, it's hard not to think about which ones have impacted you the most. In fact, it's also hard to not be numbed out to the weekly experiences in this bootcamp and focus on the external emotional ones.
Striking gold reality
It's now the end of the 5th week and I've realized that each of my blogs so far have been about me as a person, my past and my current experiences, and definitely not as technical as I want them to be. I wish for once I had some technical input in this blog. However, right now, after the type of week I've had, it's extremely hard to make the technical learnings the focus of this week.
What makes this extremely frustrating is that growing up, I've never quite processed that I am not a citizen. Like I knew, but I didn't KNOW know you know?
I grew up in the U.S. and I never worried about being an immigrant until I graduated from my bachelors. That's when shit got real. I never prepared to be slapped in the face with immigrant life until I stepped out in the real world. And it was hard to wrap my head around the fact that if I didn't have a job, I'll be stripped away from my family and friends in a few months post-grad. My masters taught me better, and now it's become a part of me - my 2nd life most don't see. It's more of a habit I practice telling myself more than my identity. The immigrant but not-so immigrant life.
I was about to start my externship in my 6th week at Fractal. I was finally somewhat proud of where I am in life. The day I received my offer letter, I immediately applied for my CPT (work authorization) with my school, and filed to enroll in the internship class (imperative for the CPT to be approved). This technicality is just something all international students have to go through in order to work during their time in school. A process that has never really been an issue for me. I've gone through it in undergrad.
TLDR: the chair of my department won't let me enroll in the class. I received no communication from him telling me this. I was purely ghosted. For no particular reason other than "the chair will not sign it".
One signature. Blocking me from growing, learning, making advacements in my career.
I want you to reread the above sentence.
It makes me think you know, how did my parents survive? And not just physically but also mentally? The immigrant life sure isn't easy. As a child, I know and saw that it was very difficult. Now, as an adult, I can't fathom the emotions they went through. And after 18 years in the U.S., they're still always prepared to go back.
I received this from my dad just before I started writing this blog:
Tai,
I’m sure you are getting good confidence after enrolling at the Fractal, get help of that to build your interview skills, build your resume and focus on your 3 skills which you can be improved in next 2 months. Small and consistent steps are more important to achieve firm results. Smart thinking and realistic goal setting can help to achieve those but overthinking can block your decision making.
Take care Regards Papa
My dad has been bothered for 2 days now. Sleepless even. Because his daughter is getting a small taste of what his life was like.
But truly it's not a big deal. It's just hard to process when it's not an issue for anyone else around you.
It’s a tough truth to accept, but sometimes it all comes down to this: if you’ve done everything within your power and things still aren’t aligning the way you hoped, it’s okay to step back and let life unfold in its own time. Focus on what you can control, give it your best, and trust that everything will come together when it’s meant to.
I realized there's no point in dissecting where each part of me comes from - which bubble did I eat that has made me the most of who I am. Why am I trying to put myself in any box? To give myself clarity? This obsessive analysis in hopes of intentionally figuring out who I am needs to stop.
We're taught from a young age that fairness is important in life. Everyone teaches you how to be fair. But no one prepares you for the unfairness imposed on you.
It is what it is. Life is unfair.
Ironic to this post but - don't cry about it. Don't let them win.
Just do your best and keep it moving.
Lezgo week 6. Let's build some games shall we :}